I went to the mall the other day, and can’t believe what I saw.

For as long as I’ve been a vampire, stores have been offering “authentic vampire wear.”  Lace, leather, 14 shades of midnight black, with the occasional touch of red velvet now and then to add a bit more color.  Because being undead obviously makes you a Goth, too- just ask that nice lady whose bar has been doing so well since our revelation.

Well guess what?  Retailers are finally getting the hint.  Fashion bigwigs have introduced a new line of clothing that reflects the latest trend in vampire wear.  This “prepster chic” as it’s being labeled, seems an odd choice- more college co-ed than nightwalker, and I believe that’s exactly the point.  To further avoid stereotypes, vampires have ditched the skull rings and black leather for plaid skirts, khakis, and yes, even polo shirts.

Personally, I hope this is one trend that lasts, not only because it’ll help broaden horizons about vampires, but because, frankly, not all of us can pull off that all night rocker look.

So breathers beware, if you really want to emulate the vampire look, it may be time to track in those combat boots for docksiders.

I like cops. They risk their lives to do a great service and by and large are among the most heroic breathers out there. But we’re all aware of the one bad apple theory, and sadly, today’s subject is slowly rotting to the core.

Ladies and gentlemen, submitted for your approval, one Detective Andy Bellefleur.

Once a proud member of Bon Temps’ finest, Andy’s fallen in a bit of a bad spell lately, what with a body being found in his squad car, numerous (unofficial) citations for public drunkenness, and an unsolved murder caseload that seems to be growing by the moment. But it doesn’t end there. Apparently now Detective Bellefleur can’t even handle a simple noise complaint.

This evening (last night for those of you reading this in daylight), I was enjoying a quiet evening at home when I couldn’t help but overhear a nearby party. Like it was in my living room. I’ve never met this neighbor (I believe her name is Maryann), and without a standing invitation I was powerless to enter the home to ask for quiet. My only alternative was to call the police, and learned I wasn’t the first to issue a complaint. But they assured me Detective Bellefleur was hot on the case.

Apparently Andy didn’t get the memo, because after several hours it had only gotten louder. Another call to Bon Temps police led to the revelation that Andy had arrived some time earlier and the noise would go away ‘any moment now.’ If by ‘any moment now’ they meant right up until I crawled into my coffin at daybreak then yes, the detective’s task was completed in full.

Nice work, Andy. Real nice.

Recently stumbled on a website where breathers have collected locations they suspect holds vampire inhabitants.  Some of them are spot on, suggesting the submitters have friends among the community, while others are almost comically off.  To help keep things clear, I’ll be starting a weekly post where I do some research and address whether the claims are correct.

DOWNTOWN LAS VEGAS, NV
Not so much of a stretch.  Vampires in a city basically designed to be open 24 hours, replete with dark, secretive locations and any number of “back rooms.”  However, you’re looking in the wrong part of the city.  There’s a common misconception that vampire prefer seedy areas, but remember- many of us also have plenty of years of accumulated wealth.  So without exposing the addresses of vampires who don’t want curious individuals banging down their doors, I’ll just say you’ll have better luck looking at high roller suites at certain reputable casinos.  If you can get past security, that is.

NYIRBATOR, HUNGARY
Yes yes, we’ve all heard stories of a certain historical countess who used to bathe in servants’ blood.  Even before the Great Revelation, she and Vlad the Impaler were always near the top of the list for humans seeking to prove our existence.  But in this case you’re barking up the wrong tree.  This was just a countess with really, really odd habits, not the grandmother to a whole lineage of bloodsuckers.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA
Again, a tad bit vague, aren’t we?  I mean, why not just say somewhere in the West Coast?  Yes, there are vampires in San Francisco.  It’s a big city.  And the Haight-Ashbury district alone proves there are enough human spectacles to assure that vampires could blend in fairly easily anywhere from the Castro to Marin Valley.

A NIGHTCLUB CLUB IN SALT LAKE CITY, UT
Close, but no cigar.  Though vampires definitely like to find entertainment in the evening, actually living in a nightclub just doesn’t sound all that appealing.  Though I suppose it would be convenient upon meeting an eager fangbanger- cheap cab fare just to lead them down into the basement.

Had a chat with my Maker and ended up convincing her to let me stay in Bon Temps for awhile.  Odd really- this place is so closely associated with my human life, you’d think I’d want to avoid it like daylight.  But life here has gotten really, really interesting lately. So much that I’m more than happy to hang around and keep up my reporting on Bloodcopy.

Coincidentally, I also just got my hotel bill for the week, and realize my stay will definitely require new accomodations.  I found a site that’s been really helpful for my search for a nest.  There are a number solid tips for nightwalkers, but I personally like the guard dog option. Once I get settled, I think I’ll make a visit to the pound to make a new best friend.  Apologies in advance to the mailman.

One last thing before I set off nest-hunting, a piece of unfinished business from my Gawker days.

I’d like to give a special thank you to the night cashier at the convenience store by my NYC apartment.  No fewer than 40 times did I arrive at some late hour to pick up Tru Blood, and not once did he make a bite reference, fang joke, or any other comment on my status as a member of the walking dead.  If more people were like him, we may reach a day where vampires are treated just like everyone else.

Just learned about a new film festival making it’s way onto the stage.  The “Fangies” as they’re so awfully labeled, will feature television, documentary and feature footage “either directly employing vampire actors, directors and producers” or “of a nature that accurately portrays real vampires.”

I’m pleased to announce that several of the items highlighted on this blog have made their way into competition.  So if you haven’t had a chance to see the clips we’ve shown from a Vampire TV Drama, documentary about a Busker for Vampires, Vampire Film Noir, or a unique Vampire Dentist - now’s as good a time as any.

Let’s just hope this doesn’t lead to vampire thespians being inevitably typecast.

Bon Temps police have yet another murder case to add to the docket.

Just when I was starting to get all the events of the past few weeks straight, I just learned a body was found in the squad car of Officer Andy Bellefleur.  Officer Bellefleur is not a suspect at this time, as local whispers suggest he was nestled away at the bottom of a bottle when the crime occurred.

The victim has been identified as Nancy LeVoir, a cashier at DeSoto’s pharmacy who also moonlighted as a voodoo priestess of sorts who went by the nom de plume “Miss Jeanette.”  Of course, some have already jumped on the bandwagon and assume a vampire must somehow be involved (clearly not paying attention to the body count register I submitted last post).

In a small bit of silver lining, the victim has since been in contact with Ouija boards across the nation, promising she’s doing fine and hopes to be featured in an upcoming episode of supernatural haunting on basic cable.

Last week we were treated to a new video from Reverend Steve Newlin, doing his best to make sure California doesn’t hog the spotlight in the realm of biased marriage laws.

Apparently, this wasn’t the only trick in the good Reverend’s bag.

I have it on good authority that the Fellowship has started hosting “leadership conferences” as part of the Rising Sun Institute, where very special “chosen ones” (who can afford the entry fee) are being whisked away to undisclosed locations in Texas to become the new vanguard in the war to rid the world of the vampire plague. Aforementioned fee is quite steep from what I understand, but really, you can’t put a price on salvation… right Steve?

Lucky for you, a trip in the other direction is free.

As a human I always had a little trouble sleeping while I was in Bon Temps and oddly, becoming undead hasn’t done much to change the habit. So instead of tossing during those final hours before dawn, I usually end up channel surfing. This time it was well worth it, as I caught the latest episode of The Perspective. It’s reassuring to know that despite my departure, the vampire bandwagon continues to roll right along.

But for the record, I still can’t place Ms. Davis’ accent.

Though firmly nested back in Bon Temps for the time being, I’m still determined to keep track of vampire events in all parts of the world.  Turns out I didn’t have to look long.  The Perspective’s Victoria Davis has just interviewed Top Chef Tom Colicchio, a friend of vampires in his own right, who has now directed his talents towards a dish humans can enjoy while dining alongside guests who prefer Tru Blood.

While I’ve heard it’s delicious, Tom’s recipe also looks a good deal like our synthetic blood substitute- so do be sure to clearly label which is which when hosting dinner parties of mixed company, or your evening may end up much shorter than expected. 

Bon Temps…my quiet little hometown.  Not so quiet lately.

Just spent the past two hours visiting a hairdresser with over 278 years of experience.  Not that I couldn’t use a bit of coiffing, but it’s also info central for all the local goings on Bon Temps.  And at present the rumor mill has spun off its axis, much of it coincidentally involving some of the local townsfolk I interviewed in my human days.

(Yes, being a vampire my old life shouldn’t hold interest, but I think the sheer level of action warrants an exception in this case.)

I’ve lost track of the body count, but I think humans are slightly ahead of vampires at this point.  Breathers are far and away leading in the responsible for said deaths category, due in large part to one hate-filled psychopath who played friendly Cajun by day and bloodthirsty serial killer by night.  However, it’s also my understanding a special counsel was convened to deal with a vampire who killed one of his own to protect his human (who happens to be “special human” with powers of her own).

I’d love to get into more of the grisly details, but frankly I’m still trying to sort it out myself. 

Also- I’ve gotten a special request to put out feelers to locate Lafayette Reynolds, a cook at Merlotte’s bar.  While you may or may not recognize from his webcam exploits, apparently there’s another illicit activity that has put him squarely on the radar of a number of vampires in town.

I never thought I’d say this, but being back in Louisiana is making me miss the peace and quiet of Manhattan.