VAMPIRES IN THE WORKPLACE
Vampires are not human. We can not work human hours. And while we do not engage in most human services, there are any number of others that we alone require.
For years this forced us to rely on others. To serve as mysterious unseen clients or hire human go-betweens, always hiding the true purpose for our odd requests: shipping coffins overseas, forged identification papers, homes fitted with windowless rooms hidden beneath the ground.
But this is no longer the case. Among other things, our revelation has led to vampires serving in workplaces previously reserved for humans. Lawyers who write case briefs long into the night, accountants who specialize in centuries old estates, even peace officers helping to serve and protect during the graveyard shift.
Humans are already coming to find that we constitute a marked improvement. Vampires require no sick days. We will not show up to work under the influence of any drug of liquor. We can perform tasks at speeds far greater than our human counterparts. Some might wonder if companies might one day seek entire staffs of vampire employees.
But for the time being, it is evident that more and more humans and vampires are counting each other amongst their co-workers. One can only hope this doesn’t result in a new understanding of competitive cannibalism.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
This sort of feels like vampire propaganda to me….and with vampires having no sick days and such, won’t it be likely that there will be an increase of humans being fired?
May 14th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Hmm, I’m not so sure I’d want to work for a company that was staffed mainly by vamps. I’d need them to be utterly transparent about their policies. We’d need safety measures…new laws…
May 18th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
hmmm… sounds like the first question that popped into my head was on target: How do we deal with the inevitable discrimination as well as the interminable line of “fangbangers”, as they are called?
Discrimination in the workplace is still commonplace for non anglos and women. There’s always a glass ceiling. In our case, for Vampires, it’s more like a sunlamp.
How do you negotiate the gawkers, fangbangers, and the ones who are afraid even of the TruBlood drinkers? Safety measures might work both ways.
We certainly have had our fair share of human outbursts in various work places and campuses. Safety can best be assured by behaving civilly in the first place. Most Vampires behave themselves around humans, otherwise there would be a lot more incidents (as is the case with humans).
May 19th, 2009 at 10:58 am
“We will not show up to work under the influence of any drug of liquor. We can perform tasks at speeds far greater than our human counterparts.”
Come back when you show up at normal work hours. And horses are fast too, or more appropriately in this case pitbulls!
But It would be fun to see the drama that would ensue if you guys got your own workplaces, I bet it would not take long before you literaly teared each other to pieces without a living soul in your presence to calm you down.
You’ll get your own workplaces when White Heterosexual Christian guys get theirs, aka never!
May 20th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
I must say that you have taken such notices to our race. it is not for humans to judge any of the creatures that are left by means that no-one can explain… I myself would indeed be turned if only one was near to make that change happen….for the time being I will stay myself , and if there is one whom can truely grant this to me please step forward!
Gaia
May 22nd, 2009 at 1:16 am
Great, you want are jobs to!
Screw you guys, we are the dominate race, always have been and will continue to be!
You try and belittle humanity, humanity will sort all this out. Our governments and leaders will see that your kind is a threat to the progression of human history.
So enjoy your new “life” it will all come crashing down,
soon.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Dominating Race.. hm.. yeah.. we did the Great Wars, we destroyed and polluted this planet, etc.. yeah.. heh.. we did that..
We try our best here, if we wanted to, as you refer, dominate, we should have taken other routes.. not so pleasant as they are now..
September 4th, 2009 at 10:55 am
[...] of you may recall a post I wrote awhile back about vampires entering the workforce. As we’re about to celebrate a national holiday dedicated to the American worker (which [...]
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:56 am
Twilight eat your heart out. fantastic blog.